Young Writers Society

Okay, Night. I decided to read something else by you since I like your work and this caught my eye. I really like stories set in with knights and princesses and damsels in distress. I’m a oldie-romantic at heart, I guess. And this was good. But let me get the individual stuff out of the way first.

The nobles and royals, being all-powerful and mighty being that they were, sat in the stand.

"Honestly mama, no, I wasn't," she said, still looking around.

“I wish they didn’t have to stand in the mud. They are human being too,” she whispered to herself furiously.

"That's Lord Demount look at our girl," her mama whispered to her husband.

“No need to worry, my dear. No need to worry,” He said to his wife, patted her hand.

You're off to a good start, Night Mistress!

You have begun to introduce us to Rosaline and her family, begun to develop her and allowed her to speak for herself. A major improvement from the last piece of yours I read.

Listen to what Imp said - she's been stealing all my critiquing suggestions lately.

I still noticed a few grammatical things, but I think a simple readthrough would catch them. If you want me to come back and pick out each, PM me.

This still seemed a tad bit rushed as you did not describe the surroundings very much. It's not terribly rushed, but adding some description of the weather, surroundings, some narrative of the knights coming on would ease the reader into the story a bit more easily and make everything less abrupt.

I really don't have anything else to say without echoing Imp, so I'll just wish you good luck editing and say congrats on the improvement. Keep writing and I will await the next installment.

thank you very much. I hope you all will stay tune for the next chapter.

Poor Imp wrote:(Ah, and Meep - nine and ten would be an archaic and modernly awkward way of putting nineteen.)

too late now. i edited it a little bit.

NM -- don't worry about it, by any means. IF you get more critiques with the same thoughts, just take them as confirmation that when you get to it, those are the problems you'll look at. ^_^ I've gotten the same thing -- stories up getting comments even while I'm working on them. Nothing to worry about.






IMP

but if i don't it immediately, i will have everyone breathing down my neck about the same things. and same goes for the other chapters.

so, i might as well do it now.

No need of doing it immediately. Think it over and when you're ready to keep writing, go over the first bit and touch it up before you go on - you'll have a better story for it. ^_^






IMP

I don't feel like re-type it.

I know it can be hard to get up the courage to post something, especially when it feels close to you still. But usually, even the the writers who have rewritten things six times themselves before posting, still have to revise things after they've posted.


You've got a good start here. But it's still rough around the edges--and the characters look like they're interesting. But you need to let us see that a bit more vividly, yes?





IMP

but i took all that courage to to put something back up here.

Night Mistress wrote:okay. is it a little better then before?

Edit, edit, edit.
If you'd like, I can go over this with a virtual red pen and point out/clean up your grammatical errors, but basic things like that are really the author's job. You didn't even capitalize "I." Before posting a story, it's important to run a spell check and personally go over it with a fine tooth comb, looking for grammatical errors. Some of your sentences don't even make sense: how do you mean by her being "nine and ten"? (If she's nine or ten years old, is this really the first time she's left home?)

If Rosaline is the main character, try explaining things as she sees them. What does she think of the peasants standing in the mud? Is she disdainful ("it's their fault their poor/sucks to be them but I don't care") or does she pity them ("poor things, standing in the mud like that")? That alone could give us a lot of insight to her character. What is it about the knight that captures her attention? He's not particularly handsome, so why does she notice him? What makes him special to her, even though they've just met and never spoken?

I think you've got a good start, plot wise, but you need to add more about the characters and setting in order for us to get into the story and care what happens.

[edit: haha, this is my 69th review. *is [s]a pervert[/s] easily amused*]

okay. is it a little better then before?

Hullo Night Mistress,


A joust has got to be as apt a way as any to begin a story; in truth, it ought to be brilliant. You have knights, action and a girl. But with all the excellent material aside, you're rushing it.

The readers don't know who Rosaline is, nor where she is precisely or even when. Is it King Arthur's time, more or less? If Rosaline is a noble-woman, why do her parents speak with such low-class lack of care?

At the moment, it's rather hazy.


For Starters...

Beginning anything is important. You've got the first few sentences or the first paragraph to catch the readers attention. So write something that connects to the scene, the characters, the action.

Everyone came out for the jousting contest. Peasants, nobles, even the royals came. Social classes were split. Peasants were told to stand in the mud, dirt going up to their knees as they walk. They stood along side the fence. The nobles and royals, being all powerful and mighty that they were, sat in the stand.

i hope i get to see him again she thought. The trumpets sound.

"That's Lord Demount look at our girl," her mama whispered to her her husband.

"I can tell you he is not the one for her. I have ask the royals personally to pick a lord , a real lord, for our Rosaline," her papa whispered back to his wife.

Hello, Nighty! First off, I enjoyed that you chose to do romantic/historical fiction. It seems like the majority of romantic fiction posted here is modern-day.

While I applaud you for the change of time period, there are definitely some big problems here concerning verb usage and other things. Therefore, time to critique.